Sam Bartleby was 6 and a half when he decided to never again take a bath in his life.
It was partly out of protest – to avoid living a life dictated by personal hygiene; but it was also because as far as he was concerned there had never been any actual benefit bestowed upon him by constant cleanliness, and it was his opinion that he was better off rid of it entirely.
Sam was far more interested in bugs, dinosaurs and cricket (he was a wicket keeper). He liked bugs, and wondered whether they had baths, other than the ones he forcefully gave them during recess, when he would dig holes under tree roots and flood them with water from the bubbler. He would also rather enjoy plucking their wings off – to see if they could still fly. It turns out they weren’t very good swimmers after their de-winging either.
It was a Monday when Sam swore off suds in earnest, and it was decided between him and his best mate Rusty that the news would be given in advance of the evenings washing, so as to avoid a scramble at the sink. Sam had written a letter with a brown crayon, declaring his intentions quite clearly. His mum wasn’t impressed.
Greta Bartleby read the note, on which her 6 year old son declared that he was not to be washed, wet with soap or soapy water, wiped with moist towelettes or sprayed with a hose indefinitely. ‘Indefinitely’ was spelled: ‘Indeffntly.’ It was also co-signed by his oafish mate Rusty, and another boy named ‘Tom.’
Greta was overworked and under-appreciated – and this caused much less of a ripple than Sam had hoped. Greta, as it happened, was quite over having to bathe her 6 year old son every night, and after reading the rudimentary note simply shrugged her shoulders and went out for a pack of smokes.
Sam couldn’t believe his luck! No more showers for the rest of his life. He could be as stinky as he wanted to. He thought of all the spare time he would have.
Joe Greathead 